Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, By Gabor Maté

This is one of the best parenting books I have consumed, and I wanted to share the notes I jotted down as I listed to the audiobook. I got so much out of the audiobook, that I bought the paperback for my husband and he read it as well. There are so many parenting books out there, and it can feel overwhelming consuming all of the advice we see and hear via podcasts, books, and social media, and I will say that this book is grounding and super helpful. I definitely recommend it!

Please see below my compiled notes below. Let me know if you enjoyed this book as much as I did!:

• Peer orientation isn’t natural and is still foreign to many indigenous societies. It masquerades as natural because we are blinded by the seriousness of the problem.
• Parents are kids working “compass points;” if a child is feeling detached from their compass points in their emotional universe their peers can become their compass point. Children’s peers are not who we want to be those compasses— they aren’t going to remind them of who they are when they are feeling a disorientated void. They are lost and disoriented and need someone to look to show them right from wrong.
• “If you don’t understand your kid, you won’t be able to stand your kid.”

Ways of pressing closeness and attachment:

1. Senses- children need to maintain contact. Peer oriented kids are following their skewed instincts
2. Sameness- one’s sense of self merged with a sense of sameness
3. Belonging and loyalty – develops at toddlerhood
4. Seeking of approval – to want to be significant someone leads to be feeling wounded
5. Emotional intimacy: One underlying ache for connection

Children more intensely driven by their attachment needs: Hurt, feeling betrayed – competing attachments. Rude behaviour almost always an underlying issue. Then the way we deal with this often doesn’t deal with the true issue and with drive the child away more. Understanding our kids is the best way to deal with them.

Contrary beliefs = consumed with confirming to peers

Mocked- an offensive put down

Instincts become out of order, instincts become beyond their control

How does this happen? Societal shifts, cultural changes. American children are in attachment voids. This is because of less time bonding with children and adults from an early age

Power is now seen as a dirty word, but:

• The more power we posses the less force and voice raising we need to do
• We cannot emotionally support a child who does not seek our emotional help
• Children need to feel dependent on their parents – beyond basic dependence. The power of dependency will shift to peers if not provided by parents
• We are in such a hurry to have our kids become independent that we lose sight of what childhood is about. Children feel detached from parents and turn to peers for affirmation, connection and emotional support.
• There is logic to this. Children’s attn is harder to commend. There is an erosion of natural authority.
• We search for labels to diagnose our kids.
• Seperate impulses from actions – but one truth can mask other deeper relationship issues. Skewed attachment issues. Restore Healthy relationships with parents – what is missing in relationship with parents.
• Peer oriented kids is reversible and can be changed
• You cannot force a child into obedience without attachment. At most, a parent can cow a child into obedience and this will ultimately damage the relationship and long term development
• Attachment order can be inverted not only bc of peer attachment but also if parents have unresolved needs and is harmful to healthy development
• When not primed by our children’s attachment to us, we are relying on love and commitment alone (the smiles that used to warm our hearts and embraces become perfunctory)
• Parents have tolerance for being used and abused – our sense of responsibility helps mitigate any anger about this.
• It’s part of parenting to not have gratitude or understanding or what we do for them
• Child’s brain— attn follows attachment. The children’s brain subconsciously prioritizes things like “pay attn” “what did I just say” the stronger the attachment is to emotional attachment, it is more likely to get the attn of a child
• Some of our most persistent demands as parents have to do with those requests
• Explosion in ADHD is due to the rise of peer attachment
• Attachment leaves as invisible leash
• If a child is misbehaving, it’s not the child that needs to be “fixed” but the relationship between the child and the person the child is misbehaving for
• We must never shame or guilt a child in order to be good. The consequences are not worth any short term gains in behavioural goals.
• Children to not internalize values and make them their own until adolescence (pursuit of passion, studying etc). Peer values like entertainment, getting along with peers are prized above EDI action and personal potential.
• We lose our influence when it is most important that our influence is actually influential. Peer orientation arrests moral development.
• It is not good to question motives when a child does something “bad” or misbehaves. They lose trust in us.
• It’s children’s desires to be good for us that warrants our trust, not their ability to perform to our expectations
• “Counterwill” automatically defiant – instinctive resistance to being forced. The more insistently we comment them not to eat junk food (for example), the more they want to do it. The more we are clear about our expectations, the more their will instinct gets out of hand. “Your being bossy”.
• If they are divorced from the attachment then they have no inclination to do the biding as asked
• Counter can become their response to everything an adult asks. They are really just being true to defy people whom they do not feel connected. It’s a societal disfunction.
• If a child is strong in their own self they would not be an threatened by the parent
• Brazenness is does not come from independence, but a lack of it.
• Counterwill//Counterforce:
  • For every force, there is a counterforce. Since counter will is a counterforce, we invite it into being every time our wish to impose something on our child exceeds his desire to connect with us. i.e) A child will resist to be told what to do to discover how they can help, their own preferences.
  • Counter will battle: adult resistance erodes relationships. Encourages phonological force. The more force we use the weaker the relationship.
  • Force and manipulation backfire. Why? Preoccupation with leverage increases as we lose “power.” Attachment is nature and comes form within. Force comes from the outside.
• Resistance is not for power. Child is only reacting instinctively
• Best response? Better parent child relationship and less use of force

• To help a child let go, we provide more contact and connection than they are seeking. We liberate them not by making them work for our love, but letting them nestle in and relax in it. When they ask for a hug, we give them a warmer, longer one than they expect.
• Make sure the child does not need to work to get their attachment needs satiated. Only then the child will feel free to become independent
• Attachment based learning is the best when paired with mentoring adults
• When a teacher does not mesh with the student, attachment-based learners do not succeed and may turn to peers
• To open our students mind, is to win over their hearts
• Do not underestimate the attachment a student has to a teacher
• Collect your children by being together and in each others company- not to teacher
• We need to compensate with our enthusiasm
• Before we call them to supper and they are watching tv – sit down beside them and engage with eye contact and ask them about the show. And then say it’s time for dinner.
• We don’t always need to go into high gear parenting
• Always important to rebuild the interpersonal bridge after an argument. We need to collect them first. And it’s up to the parent. The children do not have skills so rebuild that emotional connection.
• We need to give children something figuratively to grasp as they get old.
• Warmth in our voice and a twinkle in our eye, our children will have a harder time turning us down.
• Touch, similar interests and sameness. Ultimate gift is to make the child feel invited at our presence just the way they are. Be genuine and unconditional
• The act of conceiving
• We should show our pleasure of their existence in many ways
• Spoiling of children is not giving into children. But ignoring their most natural demands.
• We need highlight when they show a voluntarily need for connection and respond. i.e) “Thats great idea! I was thinking about a way we could spend time together.”
• Praise is subject to cancellation. It can backfire in some children.
• Praise should not be overdone and their self image should not be relied on external validation
• When we encourage independence we are mostly just transferring who the children depend on- peers.
• We have forgotten we are not alone. Our job as children, we are responsible for their dependant needs. But this will then create independence organically.
• We cannot get to independence until dependant needs are met.
• Teachers should be inviting dependence as well. Teachers need to teach that they can rely on their teachers, depend on them and need to invite that in which will ultimately lead to independence. We forgot how natural maturation of independence. Helping children problem solve etc.
• We fail to act as a guide and understand the potency we have on their lives.
• Children are in need to be oriented. We shouldn’t wait for their confided look. Even a bit of formation at the beginning of the day can help. You are their guide.
• “You have a special way of” … orient them personally as well.
• Grounding can work when the adult the child is working to make a reconnection is done without tone and judgement from the adult
• Be patient and stay positive when feeling disconnected.
• Always indicate that the child is more important than what he did
• The relationship is more important than contract
• Don’t try to teach a lesson and hold back words before discussing.
• Collect ourselves first and then address.
• The child is not set out to hurt us , it’s just instinct.
• Softness in our voices and kindness that is most impactful